my mother told me the other day that i should check out the NBC show Parenthood with Peter Krause of Six Feet Under fame. it's a show about 4 brothers & sisters all with kids of their own, dealing with family life on all levels as there are 3 generations of "Bravermans" to contend with.

i've watched the first five episodes and each episode had me crying. they trigger such sadness from so deep within, i don't know how else to describe this sensation but as 'loss'. i've been mourning the loss of something i never really had, a family... feeling safe, adored, prioritized, admired, supported and again, safe. i don't know why this is, shouldn't one mourn for something that one's had then lost? not for something hypothetical. i think as a child, being part of a family was my biggest dream, one that i couldn't pursue as it was not for me to create, and over the past three years or so, i think this feeling of "loss" has slowly been coming-up to the surface in the form of my consciousness realizing that i will never have that kind of family. just writing this, i'm bawling my eyes out. i guess that's part of growing-up, coming to the conclusion that some dreams are just not meant to be and it's ok to be sad about it, to cry all over your computer about it... :(

maybe, as you read this, you may think i have idealized what it is to be a family, i guess i will never know, right now, to me it is just the star i'll never reach so i may just have to leave that wish alone and never look back, once my wound is healed that is.

i wonder what my mother thinks when she watches Parenthood, does she pine after the family she never had too?

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