i'm going through this phase at the moment where i've no drive whatsoever: no dreams, no goals, no plans (let alone a "pla"), etc... i realized today, while doing my laundry, that my life is a little too repetitive and not spontaneous enough, i want to follow my heart & instincts more and my head way less, which was the resolution i'd set myself at the beginning of the year when i called 2010 the "year of vanity". not going great, hey?!
maybe i've bored myself to bits as my focus has been on me and not on others. i miss giving unconditionally, i find it so hard to hold myself back from nurturing others as i know it can be overwhelming for those on the receiving end, especially the men in my life as that's not what "our thing" is about... imagine, they'd freak! i need my independence at the moment, i need my peace of mind, my space and i love/d being with Rocket Man and El Gaucho but the confines of society & the media dictate how "our thing" goes - "women always fall for men!", "women can't have casual sex", "ALL women want marriage & baby" - well, women do fall for some men not all men, we can have casual sex that doesn't turn into love or make us cold fish, and some of us do want marriage & babies but maybe not with you! so chill out single men of this world, stop being a walking generalization and stop thinking that that's what we are, give us some credit and give us some room to be individuals within our society.
getting off the soap box now...
maybe i should just leave the corporate world and work for an NGO, give back to the world somehow, it feels more natural to me than the pursuit of capitalism to benefit the wealthy at my own life's expense! maybe i'm not learning enough, not being creative enough, not daring myself to do things that scare me enough, i need crazy me to come for a skip'n'hop in my mind and go wild for a while. i feel like running down a hill screaming at the top of my lungs just to feel the exhilaration of being out of breath but for the life of me i don't know which hill to run down... how sad is that! how do you chose a hill when you live in a city?! i can no longer tell if i'm talking in metaphors or not, so i'll stop here.