in 2011, i have experienced the worst heartache of my life.

i had no idea a heart could actually break. my heart pangs, my chest aches, my ribs feel like they may crumble under the weight of my heart, my stomach is a rough ocean and my soul cries rivers... i would wish this on no one, not even the Heartbreaker. it's been 4 months now and it still won't die away, this godforsaken Pain of mine. i think he's gone then something occurs which reminds me that i'm still at his mercy - Pain's mercy, not the Heartbreaker's. yes, Pain is masculine today. he's feminine in French, masculine in Italian and Spanish, so today i am talking of "el dolor" or "il dolore". i keep hoping my Pain will switch to anger, but he never really does. so i know the road of indifference is still a few roundabouts away. 

the most awful part of Pain, is that he is never alone, he has a band of friends who always come along for the ride: there's fear, fragility, lack of confidence and vanished trust. ah you brave companions, you merry band of assholes, you have no shame.

i know this sounds mopey, sad, pessimistic, negative - it's not my nature, i promise you. i am a positive and motivated person... i just want my old & faithful friend Hope to kick the band of assholes to the curb, and for me to find my peace & strength to be Bea again. let me be Bea. 

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